Confession Moment #10: An Artist Heart with a Personal Dilemma


How do you balance a public profile being a private person? I’m writing while I’m thinking, because the subject often comes up, especially, as a blog writer.

Often the stories, poems, and prose are not even about me. But sometimes they are. Other times they are about parts of me or the people I see if that makes sense. Whatever the true subject or objective, the words used to express or describe are indeed mine. So, however, I dress it up, essentially, they are subjectively about something connected to me.

On a personal note, I keep everything close to the vest. I rarely disclose personal details about my life, my friends, my plans, or my family (directly). I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. If I do, then that means you’ve earned a level of trust somewhere in my mind and heart. A level that says similar to how I treat those who share their lives with me, you’re not going to go and shout what I say from the mountaintop. I cherish these relationships because they are difficult to find and hard to keep.

I’d liked to say this originated when I first heard the story of Zachariah in Bible school pre-adolescent, and subconsciously, it may have. However, I’m not convinced that’s true.

I’ve watched people over the years and in watching them, I’ve learned a great deal about boundaries. Everyone’s boundaries are different and I like to keep mine like a fortress at times, if not all the time. The problem I learned about living in a fortress is when you need help, it’s hard for help to find a way in. So the almighty and I struck a balance. He places people in my life I know I can trust and confirms their placement by their actions. It has been working thus far.

I’m sure I’ve been burned in the past, but that’s not what this is about. I am also an artist as I previously wrote earlier in this written dialogue currently happening in my head. And the craft of an artist is extremely public and often very personal. Whether the craft envelopes the artist’s personal challenges, triumphs, or something in between the content is almost always raw.

Thus my actual personal life, I like to keep personal and private. Not necessary a secret, but definitely private.

I had an encounter today with a friend girl of mine who innocently indirectly shared a personal component of my life on a public platform. She was only providing encouragement. Encouragement, I greatly appreciated. However, upon having a quick conversation she quickly understood and respected my wishes that I’d rather not have certain components of my life publicly discussed or commented on overtly. I am grateful for that and for her because others might have misinterpreted my call for discretion. And, turned a molehill into a mountain.

Said interaction brought me back to this confession moment. I regularly share my thoughts, experiences, and beliefs on an array of subjects on my blog and on my community Facebook page. I do so willingly and without reservation. Mainly, in hopes, it liberates someone secretly struggling with similar issues. If my transparency can save a life, provide hope, or simply let someone in the universe know they are not alone, then it’s worth it!

We live in a society where fear, shame, emotional distress, and emotional pain are bottled up until they blow up. So I write to let others know, they are indeed not alone, and most of what we battle are temporary distractions. If my public artist heart can save one soul then the open declarations are worth it every time.

Having said that, I was raised in the church. More specifically, I was raised in a church where every Sunday before communion the Pastor would call all those who had “sinned” during the week up to confess their sins one-by-one into the microphone, publicly, in accordance with our church doctrine before the entire church body. Sometimes these lines were ten to fifteen people deep. And, even after confessing their “sins”, they would each have to stand before the church before he prayed for them out loud about their specific “sin” before they were allowed to be seated.

This practice struck me as odd and invasive. Yet, for 18 years I watched the same people, week after week form a line down the right aisle waiting to be redeemed before as a church body, we could take communion. The practice troubled me, but it was tradition and it was not until years later I would experience something different, so I watched in silence week after week, month after month, and year after year until I was 18th and no longer required to attend church. Did my need for personal privacy stem from this, who knows? But, I do know I had my own silent struggles, I never felt comfortable sharing because of this practice and they followed me into adulthood.

So there was always an invisible shield on my internal thoughts for most of my life. I’m not saying I was muted but definitely guarded. And as luck would have it, for good reasons at times. So it’s rare and special when I really can be truly open on a personal level. I’m not harboring dark secrets. I just enjoy the sanctity of my personal life remaining personal.

Still seeking the right balance between publicly transparent and privately personal.

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“Confession Moment #10: An Artist Heart with a Personal Dilemma” (text) by EYHCS published under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

©EYHCS AND THE LATEST WORD, 2018. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO YOUTUBE VIDEOS, PAPERS, AND OTHER ORIGINAL WORKS OF ART WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS BLOG’S AUTHOR AND/OR OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. EXCERPTS, LINKS, AND IMAGES WITHIN POSTS UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED MAY BE USED, PROVIDED THAT FULL AND CLEAR CREDIT IS GIVEN TO EYHCS AND 15 WORDS OR LESS WITH APPROPRIATE AND SPECIFIC DIRECTION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

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Day 184: Precious Moments


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I did not pick the planters pot.
I did not pick the seeds.
I did not determine the soil.
I did not lay the seeds in the chosen soil.
Nor did I pack the soil upon the freshly laid seeds.
I was not there for the germination stage.
I did not witness the first leaves grow.
At the time, I did not even know.
I was a little more than a small shrub back then.

The seeds became buds.
The buds fought to become flower,
Under all the April showers.
The flowers became fruit from the original root.
I felt like pollen with each passing bloom.
Or maybe the bee seen darting through the room.

I will never be the original potter.
I will never be able to recall the plants first blooms.
Yet, I do know how the plant became a tree.
I did witness the fallen leaves.
I did witness the painful struggles as one limb became two.
I did enjoy the transformation.

And, one day the trees’ seeds will create more plants with hopes of becoming bigger trees.

It is my experience with the circle of life.
Oh, what a wonderful life.

© 2016 EYHCS

The  ”Day 184: Precious Moments” (text) by EYHCS published under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License
©EYHCS AND THE LATEST WORD, 2016. UNAUTHORIZED USE AND/OR DUPLICATION OF THIS MATERIAL, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO YOUTUBE VIDEOS, PAPERS, AND OTHER ORIGINAL WORKS OF ART WITHOUT EXPRESS AND WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THIS BLOG’S AUTHOR AND/OR OWNER IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. EXCERPTS, LINKS, IMAGES THAT ARE THE COURTESY OF INDULGY.COM WITHIN POSTS UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED MAY BE USED, PROVIDED THAT FULL AND CLEAR CREDIT IS GIVEN TO EYHCS AND 15 WORDS OR LESS WITH APPROPRIATE AND SPECIFIC DIRECTION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

Day 1: An Interview with 2016 with a Cameo from 2010


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2016: Looking back over your life, what are you looking forward to in the New Year?

EYHCS: That is an excellent question. <Ponders the question with a reflective countenance>

2016: Do you have an excellent answer?

EYHCS: Yes. <Replies with a dead and stark countenance>

2016: <fully engaged with hips seated at the front of the lounge chair> Care to share?

EYHCS: <continuing to be display a coy demeanor> Sure.

EYHCS: Change, affirmation, and fulfillment of promises are what I am looking forward to in the New Year.

2016: Wow, you don’t shy away from the complex, do you? <Centers left hand across chests in a faux humble fashion>

EYHCS: Never have and never will.

2016: How would you characterize 2015?

EYHCS: At times it was akin to Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men with “You can’t handle the truth”. At other times it was akin to Rafiki from the Lion King with “Simba, he’s alive!” And, as the year drew to an close, it was Neo from the Matrix with, “I am going to hang up this phone and show the people what you don’t want them to see. The rest I leave up to you!”

2016: Any special resolutions for the New Year?

EYHCS: Not really. I am just grateful to be of sound mind and body after the last several years of testing and trying I have undergone.

2016: What type of testing and trying? How do you define testing and trying?

EYHCS: The simplest definition is the easiest definition. I have been tested mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and physiologically.

2010: I was there.

2016: How so?

2010: I saw it all unfold. Yet, I could not intervene. It was a battle required to define, affirm, and confirm her true character. I knew she could and would prevail. I just needed her to know the same.

EYHCS: It was hard at times. A lot of people look at me today and comment how together I seem. They don’t know how much it cost to not only appear this way, but to be this way.

2016: Cost?

EYHCS: Yes, the spiritual and mental cost. The breaking of beliefs to conquer one’s greatest fear is an enlightening and painful process. I mimicked the way Jesus’ survived and prevailed during his 40 days and nights of testing. Everything he needed to defeat external and internal enemies had already been deposited into him. So with private tears and public cheers, I marched on, until I could march out.

2016: Do you feel you’ve conquered your greatest fear?

EYHCS: Most days, I do.

2016: Willing to share it with others.

EYHCS: I feared disappointment.

2016: Disappointment?

EYHCS: Yes, disappointment. Disappointing others, disappointing myself, disappointing my ancestors <unrealistic>, disappointing my parents, and if I am honest, the disappointment of never being enough.

2016: What changed?

EYHCS: I watched my former self battle to regain control of the uncontrollable and win.

2016: How did that feel?

EYHCS: Good, no great! When the enemy saw me cower, the spirit saw me tower.

I watched mesmerized at times as obstacles became pathways. I silently praised in place as promises, visions, and dreams manifested around me and for me. I bit my tongue when necessary and raised my voice when required. I feel in love with me and I liked it! I hadn’t ever been in love with me before 2015, not really, but today I am and it’s great!

2016: Sounds like you figured some things out.

EYHCS: Some, but I have only scratched the surface.

2016: Any regrets?

EYHCS: No, this year was all about clearing up old regrets and living a life that produced no future regrets.

2016: How’s that?

EYHCS: I had to sacrifice my personal self to honor my spiritual-self several times in 2015. At times, I had to confront those who only sought the best for me, but couldn’t understand the choices I was making in how I dealt with certain situations.

2016: That sounds deep.

EYHCS: It is, but the deeper it got, the clearer it all became.

2016: Has anyone ever told you, sometimes your responses produced more questions than answers?

EYHCS: Yes.

2016: Care to add any more to that response?

EYHCS: No.

2016: Well, we’re day one in of 366 days. Care to share your plan for 2016?

EYHCS: Tried that once, the human mind could not comprehend the design.

EYHCS: So instead, in the words of one of my favorite characters, “where we’re going we don’t need any roads”!

2016: I can’t wait!

EYHCS: You don’t have to. You already know what is in store. I am the one who gets to discover it. Thank you for joining me in the journey.

2016: You’re welcome and thanks for sharing, EYHCS, it was a pleasure talking with you. Take care and see you on the other side.

EYHCS: Indeed, I pray you will {Insha’Allah}! One God, many names, and I love them all!!!

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The  ”Day 1: An Interview with 2016 with a Cameo from 2010” (text) by EYHCS published under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License