Day 338: Fractured Truth: A Twenty-Nine-Year Journey


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It all mattered.

It all held a level of significance.

It all molded you.

 

Not all of it remains.

Not all of it should be cultivated.

Not all of it carries forth with you.

 

Today I came face-to-face with my reality.

And, I fancied it.

We’d known each other before we knew ourselves.

 

As we set side by side, we knew each other still.

She had been my childhood best friend.

Back before Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat.

Back when we exchanged weekly if not daily handwritten letters.

Letters I still have in my mother’s attic.

We separated not because of a disagreement, but due to emotional distance created by unspoken truths.

 

Haunted by the same secret we went our separate ways.

A secret that changed us without changing us.

Our secret no longer secret.

Our mutual truth no longer remains hidden.

There has been too much living to ever die again.

 

Few people have held her spot.

Mostly, because they never got the shot.

 

Reminensencing she brought it up, my adolescent reaction.

Her adolescent response.

Not to the truth, but to the omission.

Even now, it lingers.

She says, it severely impacted her formative years until her son appeared.

 

The reminder as we sat in the Central Jury room humbled me.

Our adolescent attempts at self-expression showed our ineptness.

Hurt turned into acting out.

And acting out metamorphosis into unforeseen consequences.

 

We have seen each other a few times since then.

But little did we know, the lives we then lived would soon come undone.

A twenty-nine-year friendship almost died, because of the truth we could no longer hide.

 

No more secrets.

No more excuses.

No more reasons to remain reclusive.

 

All the misinterpretations now clarified.

I am reminded why clarity is so important.

Fearful of a truth we both shared because we feared what the truth might shed.

 

It all mattered.

It all held a level of significance.

It all molded us.

 

Not all of it remains.

Not all of it should be cultivated.

Not all of it carries forth with us.

 

But we now know,

No more secrets.

No more excuses.

No more reasons to remain reclusive.

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Confession Moment: Keeping it 100%


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I have not done one in this series for some time. Not sure if it is a matter of I have not needed to or I have not wanted to. In any respect, it does not really matter. The point is I have a confession. Not a deep dark confession, just a confession about something a friend and I have been conversing about of late.

The year is 2016. It has been a great year. I continue to reaffirm who I am with each new challenge, I find an opportunity.

Overall, I do not have many complaints. But then again, even in my darkest of hours, I rarely did.

Life is too short to spend it doing anything you do not want to do, unless, you have to do it in order to get where you want or need to be.

This particular mindset I began to harness a few years back has really supported my steps throughout 2016. I am eternally grateful for anyone and everyone who created or presented a situation where I had to challenge, defend, and sustain my personal identity of self.

With that being said, I recently entered the dating scene. Which brings me to the reason for this confession moment. I had two serious relationships in my life. Combined they span across two decades of my said life. I am not proud or ashamed of this fact. It is just a factual part of my history.

Others I have met have not been able to wrangle a few years into a single relationship, let alone a decade or two. This is not a slight or a commendation. It is just a factual part of their history.

Neither of us has a right to place judgment on the other’s choices. We do not know the other players (most of the time). We do not know what glued or severed the ties even when one of us expresses our side of our perspective lives. We just do not know, because in some cases our perspective is only as good as our knowledge on the matter {food for thought}.

But, we carry on in search of “the one” or in some cases “the ones”. Real talk, I have seen far more than I ever expected and lived far more than a part of me every wanted.  And, I have enjoyed it all.

Yet, there is a trend happening in the dating arena of 2016 that is truly blowing my mind. It is not the swapping of partners like we swap out dirty or wet socks. It is not the randomness of connectivity so many of choose to settle for in place of permanence. It is not the increase of sexually transmitted diseases for those in my age range at an alarming if not terrifying rate. If I am honest and reflectively look at history, none of these are new trends. In fact, they are a continuation of the old guard.

In fact, it is probably the number one reason so many couples actually settle or convince themselves the current one is the right one.

But a particular trend goes against my basic understanding of couplings of two individuals into one partnership. The station in-and-of-itself is not a station to be ashamed of. All of us at one time in our life have been there. But being there before instead of while during a relationship raises some serious questions about one’s priorities in life.

The station is unemployment or as the true wordsmith would say, “between jobs”. The result is the same. The station creates a situation where basic survival comes into question often, especially, in our moments of silence.. To be honest, for some of us on the other side of the line, it still comes into question every time we sit down to pay bills. But, my point is I am all for seeking joy, finding purpose, being open to whatever, or just looking for companionship. One should not be alone, unless, one chooses to be. However, being unemployed without any real source of income automatically raises the red flag.

Relationships require commitment. It is not always easy even when it is easy to let someone in or figuring someone out. For most of us, no matter how over it is with the last or how new it is to the next, we have been changed simply by the experience of someone else in our lives. I know I have.

Besides, all the emotions one experiences during a new relationship, imagine the compounding nature of such emotions with those one feels during the station of unemployment. Self-worth comes into question. Position in comparison to friends is present. The ability to provide for one’s children or family is also there. And, these are just a few of the soft internal battles hanging out in the station of unemployment.

Personally, if you do not have self together, why on Earth would you seek to bring someone else in on all that turmoil, anguish, and moments of desperation.

It is not just a matter of keeping it 100%. It is a matter of being 100%.

{Exhales}

EYHCS

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The  ”Confession Moment: Keeping it 100%” by EYHCS is under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

© EYHCS and the Latest Word, 2010-2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material, including, but not limited to YouTube videos, papers, and other original works of art without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts, links, and images  unless otherwise stated are available for use, provided that full and clear credit is given to EYHCS and 15 Words or Less with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.