Day 5: Conflicted Mourning


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This was not the intended first published piece of 2017.

I have written other works of art centered around my reflective learnings of 2016. I wrote the inspired words and set them aside. I learned this technique awhile back. Write with passion. Write with emotion. Write whatever comes forth then set it aside. Forget about the infused emotional, thoughtful, and provoking life I left on the screen. Let their fire dim. Let their virtuosity wane. Let logic overrule. Let the pain and anguish of their meaning flicker out like the last flame of a well-burnt candle.

Then and only then return to the scene. Shift through the ashes. Search out the treasures. Breathe in the remnants of what remains. Ask the only question that matters. Are the words still true? Publish, if yes. Revamp, if no.

My confliction causes me to break away, if only for tonight, from this writing ritual.

Prepared I knew. We are not a family of jesters. Sure, we joke and laugh at the appropriate times. Yet, we are planners and thinkers. He had been preparing my mother. And, my mother had been preparing us. So I knew. I was prepared.  I was aware. The signs came with each fleeting day.  I expected the call more than once. I knew what steps to take in order to be available. I held back tears with each new revelation. The diagnosis was clearer with each update. Not through what was said, but by what was withheld.

The urgency came. The call was made. The words were spoken. He’s passed away she spoke. There it is. The confliction of heart, mind, and spirit. I feel it. I cannot fully name it, but I sense it. The heart aches because his temporal presence has left. The mind is grateful the pain and confusion he experienced in his final days are over. The spirit rejoices because his soul now rests where no more harm can come to him in the form of “treatment”. I feel it all and I feel none of it. The medical attempts to save him reduced his quality of life in the final weeks, if not months, so I pray his mother and my grandmother greets him upon his arrival as her memory consoles me now.

I feel it all and I feel none of it. The medical attempts to save him reduced his quality of life in the final weeks, if not months, so I pray his mother and my grandmother greets him upon his arrival as her memory consoles me now.

For this is how I learned to express what is sometimes inexpressible. I am a stoic soul with a complex heart. It is here the emotions intersect with the logic to usher in the therapy mere condolences cannot bring. Here my gift allows me to sit in my Father’s lap. In a place, my stoic soul with a complex heart – can experience the caress that does not bend and does not break. For this was not the intended published first piece of 2017, but it was needed.

You will be missed, but not forgotten.

The  “Day 5: Conflicted Mourning” (text) by EYHCS published under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License

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Confession Moment: Keeping it 100%


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I have not done one in this series for some time. Not sure if it is a matter of I have not needed to or I have not wanted to. In any respect, it does not really matter. The point is I have a confession. Not a deep dark confession, just a confession about something a friend and I have been conversing about of late.

The year is 2016. It has been a great year. I continue to reaffirm who I am with each new challenge, I find an opportunity.

Overall, I do not have many complaints. But then again, even in my darkest of hours, I rarely did.

Life is too short to spend it doing anything you do not want to do, unless, you have to do it in order to get where you want or need to be.

This particular mindset I began to harness a few years back has really supported my steps throughout 2016. I am eternally grateful for anyone and everyone who created or presented a situation where I had to challenge, defend, and sustain my personal identity of self.

With that being said, I recently entered the dating scene. Which brings me to the reason for this confession moment. I had two serious relationships in my life. Combined they span across two decades of my said life. I am not proud or ashamed of this fact. It is just a factual part of my history.

Others I have met have not been able to wrangle a few years into a single relationship, let alone a decade or two. This is not a slight or a commendation. It is just a factual part of their history.

Neither of us has a right to place judgment on the other’s choices. We do not know the other players (most of the time). We do not know what glued or severed the ties even when one of us expresses our side of our perspective lives. We just do not know, because in some cases our perspective is only as good as our knowledge on the matter {food for thought}.

But, we carry on in search of “the one” or in some cases “the ones”. Real talk, I have seen far more than I ever expected and lived far more than a part of me every wanted.  And, I have enjoyed it all.

Yet, there is a trend happening in the dating arena of 2016 that is truly blowing my mind. It is not the swapping of partners like we swap out dirty or wet socks. It is not the randomness of connectivity so many of choose to settle for in place of permanence. It is not the increase of sexually transmitted diseases for those in my age range at an alarming if not terrifying rate. If I am honest and reflectively look at history, none of these are new trends. In fact, they are a continuation of the old guard.

In fact, it is probably the number one reason so many couples actually settle or convince themselves the current one is the right one.

But a particular trend goes against my basic understanding of couplings of two individuals into one partnership. The station in-and-of-itself is not a station to be ashamed of. All of us at one time in our life have been there. But being there before instead of while during a relationship raises some serious questions about one’s priorities in life.

The station is unemployment or as the true wordsmith would say, “between jobs”. The result is the same. The station creates a situation where basic survival comes into question often, especially, in our moments of silence.. To be honest, for some of us on the other side of the line, it still comes into question every time we sit down to pay bills. But, my point is I am all for seeking joy, finding purpose, being open to whatever, or just looking for companionship. One should not be alone, unless, one chooses to be. However, being unemployed without any real source of income automatically raises the red flag.

Relationships require commitment. It is not always easy even when it is easy to let someone in or figuring someone out. For most of us, no matter how over it is with the last or how new it is to the next, we have been changed simply by the experience of someone else in our lives. I know I have.

Besides, all the emotions one experiences during a new relationship, imagine the compounding nature of such emotions with those one feels during the station of unemployment. Self-worth comes into question. Position in comparison to friends is present. The ability to provide for one’s children or family is also there. And, these are just a few of the soft internal battles hanging out in the station of unemployment.

Personally, if you do not have self together, why on Earth would you seek to bring someone else in on all that turmoil, anguish, and moments of desperation.

It is not just a matter of keeping it 100%. It is a matter of being 100%.

{Exhales}

EYHCS

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The  ”Confession Moment: Keeping it 100%” by EYHCS is under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

© EYHCS and the Latest Word, 2010-2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material, including, but not limited to YouTube videos, papers, and other original works of art without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts, links, and images  unless otherwise stated are available for use, provided that full and clear credit is given to EYHCS and 15 Words or Less with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.